Secure Attachment Style

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Secure: 

Are satisfied in relationships. They feel safe and connected to partners. They feel safe to rely on others and comfortable with others relying on them (in an interdependent manner). They can offer support and love to one another. They feel safe to be intimate and open with a partner (emotionally, mentally, and physically). They are able to trust, find harmony, and have an ability to work through conflict in a constructive manner overall. Secure individuals are emotionally regulated, balanced, excellent at sharing their boundaries, clear on their needs, they don’t mind conflict but they also do not end up in unnecessary conflict. They are good at speaking up for themselves, are often strong communicators, they can hear and understand multiple people’s perspectives, and they feel worthy of asking for their needs and sharing their opinion. They are less likely to take things personally, and are stable and trustworthy.

Common Core Wounds: 

Core wounds will be based on individual experiences from the past rather than overarching themes based on attachment style.

Typical Needs in Relationships:

• Stability
• Harmony
• Growth
• Connection
• Empowerment
• Clarity
• Certainty
• Open to change (in a healthy amount)
• Balance (work-life balance)
• To be heard

Behavioral Coping Mechanisms:

• Will speak up
• Will see needs through
• Will go to partner to work things out
• Can also self-soothe well
• Will try to deal with things more immediately, dislike repressing
• May seek external help or support from family and friends
• Will take time to reflect when needed

How They Handle Conflict:

• Very much value working through conflict
• Don’t like to leave things unresolved
• Feel relatively comfortable working through conflict though obviously don’t seek it out
• Communicate effectively
• Don’t take things as personally (Likely to be less triggered/charged)
• Good at asserting their boundaries
• Don’t mind being vulnerable
• Can share their feelings
• Can validate the other person’s feelings and perspectives well
• Will be respectful in conflict-oriented situations
• Want both parties to feel happy about the resolution
• Fair

Relationship to Boundaries:

• Assertive
• Respectful of self and others
• Clear at communicating
• Authentic
• Fairly consistent at communicating boundaries
• Validate others’ emotions and perspectives
• Attuned to self
• Take self into consideration
• Feel worthy of setting boundaries

Common Expectations:

• My partner should want to resolve things
• Conflict is normal but should not be excessive
• Both parties should be able to be heard, understood and seen in a relationship Interdependence
• My partner and I can emotionally rely on each other
• My partner and I will work through things when we are faced with challenges
• Difficult moments will happen in relationships but we will work as a team through them
•  We should have a relationship to all areas of life when with each other