Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

Deeply fear abandonment and avoid spending time alone. Willing to self-abandon in order to connect.

Anxious Preoccupied:

Anxious Preoccupied (AP) constantly desire more and more connecton. They can form a fantasy bond in relatonships and are willing to self-abandon in order to connect with others. They can cling to their partner as an attempt to derive safety. They deeply fear abandonment and often avoid spending time alone. They are people-pleasing and are often out of touch with their own feelings and needs. Anxious Preoccupied are often charismatic, thoughtful, kind, attetive in close relationships, warm, likeable, moves quickly in relationships of all types, and friendly. They are supportive, collaborative, trusting of connection, they prioritize relationships, and value social interaction and inclusion.

Common Core Wounds:

I am/will be abandoned
I am unsafe
I am/will be alone
I am not good enough
I am/will be rejected
I am/will be unloved
I am excluded
I am/will be disliked
I am bad

Typical Needs in Relationships:

Love, intimacy
Closeness, connection
Validation, reassurance
Approval, importance
Certainty, consistency
Presence, to feel understood
Inclusion, community
Collaboration, teamwork

Typical Needs in General:

Validation
Encouragement
To feel seen and heard
To feel valued
Respond significantly be<er to positive re-enforcement
To feel important
To feel included
To express their opinions
To feel a sense of certainty in life

Behavioral Coping Mechanisms:

Testing
Withdrawing to decompress
Stonewalling
Spitefulness
Criticism
Emotional volatility
Fight, flight, freeze and fawning
Excess of ”creature comforts” (Ex. Binging on TV, food, gaming, alcohol, gambling etc. (Not always the case but can be common)

How They Handle Conflict:

Often avoid conflict by people-pleasing
If there is conflict, quick to work to resolve it between people
Conflict impacts them deeply (can create significant distress for them)
Flexible and willing to discuss and resolve conflict
Often willing to communicate if a conflict has already taken place
Effective compromisers
Likely to put their need for approval from others ahead of their own preferred outcome
Sometimes try to manage others’ feelings around conflict above their own

Relationship to Boundaries:

Often without boundaries in close relationships
Eventually will feel unloved or emotionally abandoned when others put up boundaries with them as it is not part of their way they’ve learned to attach to others
Feel afraid of abandonment if they set boundaries
Self-sabotage boundaries because they prioritize proximity
Often don’t realize the importance of healthy boundaries in relationships

Common AP Expectations:

My partner should soothe my emotions
My partner should give me certainty at all times
My partner should know how I feel/read my mind
My partner is responsible for meeting all of my needs (and vice versa)
My partner should be available
The romantic relationship should be the highest priority
Romantic gestures in a relationship should be frequent