Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

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Dismissive Avoidant:

They avoid vulnerability and have a self-orientated perspective, believing everyone is responsible for themselves and should not rely on others. They value independence over interdependence. Desire to maintain distance from their partner and avoid vulnerability. They get their needs met from creature comforts and fear relying on others. They are often out of touch with their own emotions. They are able to compartmentalize and internalize feelings for prolonged periods of time. They are known to flaw-find in others as a strategy to self-protect.

Dismissive Avoidants (DA) tend to be guarded, intellectual, conflict-avoidant, practical, independent, grounded in their approach, don’t let their emotions take over, and think things through carefully. They value security, prioritize harmony and practicality in relationships, and tend to be good at speaking up for their survival needs. 

Dismissive Avoidants tend to be slow to warm up in relationships, they may shut down when feeling stressed, they take criticism very personally, and can avoid things instead of approaching then head-on. They deeply care about their autonomy, enjoy endless learning, and are comfortable asking for what they feel they deserve. They are able to express their boundaries, are analytical, work well under pressure, and are resilient.

Common Core Wounds:

• I am unsafe
• I am defective
• I am trapped
• I am helpless/incapable
• I am weak (if vulnerable)
• I am not good enough
• I am/will be powerless
• "Why bother" belief response

Typical Needs in Relationships:

• Safety
• Aharmon
• Acceptance
• Trust
• Comfort
• Learning/intellectual connection
• Appreciation & Acknowledgement
• Independence
• Freedom
• Understanding
• To feel wanted

Typical Needs in General:

• Validation
• Encouragement
• To feel seen and heard
• To feel valued
• Respond significantly be<er to positive re-enforcement
• To feel important
• To feel included
• To express their opinions
• To feel a sense of certainty in life

Behavioral Coping Mechanisms:

• Withdrawing to decompress
• Stonewalling
• Ignoring/dismissing
• Passive aggression
• Numbing
• Avoiding
• Excess of ”creature comforts” Ex. Binging on TV, food, gaming, alcohol, gambling etc.(Not always the case but can be common)

How They Handle Conflict:

• Often will avoid conflict
• Will internalize their frustrations more often than not
• Will sometimes pretend they agree and then do what they want anyway (avoidance strategy to get out of conflict in the moment)
• May even prefer to stop talking to people altogether other than approach conflict
• Are careful not to use awful words in conflict, will try to remain neutral
• Can remain fairly non-emotional and grounded if they do enter into conflict
• Rational
• Will try to see both sides
• Will analyze situations until they feel like they’ve come up with the most rational approach

Relationship to Boundaries:

• Excellent at setting large, strong boundaries
• Assume others are good at secng their boundaries and will speak up for themselves too
• May struggle to set many small boundaries (which is why they opt for large boundaries) 
• May not know how to communicate, negotiate or set boundaries in romantic relationships around emotional situations
• May disconnect or become avoidant if they feel that a boundary has been crossed 
• May assume others don't understand them and their boundaries
• May set boundaries via actions more than via words

Common DA Expectations:

• My partner should always be understanding when I need space
• Conflict should not be occurring in this relationship
• Being with a partner shouldn’t mean making compromises (expect to keep relationship to self fully untouched)
• My partner and I should each meet our own needs and then come together without too much investment
• My partner shouldn’t soothe through me/emotionally rely on me
• My partner should be the perfect match (subconsciously seeking this as a strategy to avoid conflict (flaw finding)
• My level of independence shouldn’t change (vs. healthy interdependence)